This post began in New York but I’ve only really begin writing it in earnest today.. So here is the only line (the first line) I wrote in New York after which it is followed by what I just typed tonight.
It’s Christmas morning in New York. Last night, I spent the night wandering Midtown with Joni Mitchell’s “River” playing in my head, walking past crowds of tourists gazing at the Christmas tree at Rockefeller and the ice-skating rink beside it.
On Christmas Eve last year, I found myself wandering the streets of New York whilst waiting for someone to return the Swatch automatic watch I left at their house. It’s a long story how that happened so I’d rather tell you that I walked past the famous Christmas tree near Rockefeller which I walked past only the day before and two days ago. Just like two days ago, I also briefly watched the ice skaters on the rink again before going into the Lego store to see if I could buy a souvenir for my brother or sister. These events are probably blurring and smudging in my memory a little such that I’m not sure exactly if I did actually stop to watch the ice skaters or go into the Lego store on Christmas Eve itself.. but one thing that I’m absolutely certain about Christmas Eve is Joni Mitchell’s “River” playing over and over in my head – so clear as though it was crystal – and me asking myself over and over again: “Why are you alone? Why are you alone on Christmas Eve?”
I pitied myself then. Indulging in self-pity is a gratifying exercise, especially if you’re keen on feeding a growing depression. To add on, I was wandering the streets in close to zero, if not sub-zero temperatures in a leather jacket, a shirt, scarf, jeans and a pair of converse. I’m not very tolerant of the cold and more delusional about how warm a shirt and leather jacket would keep me. My extremities were beginning to experience freezy stabbing pains whilst I waited for a text message that would give me my watch back. Eventually, I decided to take the subway back to the comfort of the apartment which I still had all to myself to warm up.
As tendrils of warmth crept back into my body, a calm sleepiness stole into my being, slowly rocking me to sleep. And then I got a text to come over and get my watch.
I guess the real subject of this post is found in the title itself.
I have intense friendships and relationships. I can’t think of any other way to put it. There are more serious conversations – as opposed to inane ones – because I am shit at inane ones. And too often, I find myself alone either because people go away but more often because I drive them away with whatever it is – sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, my self, whatever. To be perfectly clear, I’m not apologizing for anything because I don’t feel sorry for being myself. And to be perfectly honest, I think a lot of these failed relationships are not my fault – at least not completely. Is it sheer stubbornness, sheer self-centeredness or just lousy character on my part? Tell me. Tell me and just maybe, I’ll cut you out of my life.
Today, I exchanged a few quick emails and probably saw the end of yet another relationship. I thought we had something. I thought you did too. We did, actually. I cried a little on the bus but now I find myself shrugging in front of the laptop. I can’t help but think if you came like I asked you too, things would be different. But what transpired without you wasn’t bad too.
I guess the point is, I think you’ve just made me think all over again.. just maybe, I do deserve to be alone. And should be.
